I am blessed with a job where I am able to interact with kids of all ages everyday. It involves working with kids in child protective services and providing care for them for a temporary amount of time. When I started the job, I thought the most difficult part would be learning the situations the kids are coming from. Don’t get me wrong, that part of the job has brought me to tears and infuriated me through the past year, but I learned that there was more of this job that would bring me more pain than I knew how to deal with…along with some of the greatest joy ever.
My work encompasses the echoes of the kids that have come through in the past and the ones to come. So many faces, so many pasts, so much pain, and yet so much joy to be found as well.
Kids are my life. All ages, all types. I was a nanny for several years for 2 different families. Fell in love with those kids and still love them to this day. I led youth groups for several years. Little ones are easy to love; teens break your heart to the point of having no choice but to love them.
Earlier in the year, my job was pretty rough just with the work load. I didn’t know how much longer I could do it. I lost the focus of why I was doing this and was struggling with it. All I can say is that God is faithful.
…for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. Matt. 6:8 He knew what I needed when I didn’t know what I needed.
With some minor changes at work, the removal of some distractions, and some AMAZING kids coming through, I began to love going to work everyday. My job entailed hanging out with this group of kids who brought me consistent laughter and joy. I loved being around them. I wanted to spend every moment of every day with them.
There was a particular group of 3 siblings that I just grew to love more than I ever knew I could. If I had a husband, I would have taken them in as my own. Their interactions with each other, the relationships built with each of them, and the desire to provide them with the stability and love that they had lacked in their past brought me to love these kids like crazy. When you’re with the kids during their high and low times, the fun and hard times, the bond just becomes that much stronger. I was attached and I didn’t want to ever let go. I wanted them to be mine.
I knew the time for them to leave would come near and I was absolutely dreading that day. I shed tears beforehand. The day came. I was a terrible mess. The hugs were tight and I didn’t want to let go. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with them due to the circumstances and that tore me up. I didn’t realize my heart could hurt so much. I’ve had a couple emotional good byes in my job, but nothing compared to this one.
I want invitations to their high school graduations. I want to know what they’ll be majoring in. I want to be invited to their weddings. I want to get their Christmas cards. But I will get none of that.
I was a little “miffed” with God. Why did You allow me to grow so attached? Why did You allow my love for these kids to grow so deeply when You knew I would never be able to be a part of their lives again? Why did this happen? I don’t see the point in my pain.
The following week after they left, work didn’t feel the same for a bit. They weren’t there. My heart ached so badly.
It’s been a couple weeks now. A lot of tears have been shed, but it’s definitely lightened up. The Lord and I have had several convo’s. And He’s always faithful.
I had a good talk with a mentor figure at work and, although it was very emotional on my part, she helped me see things they way I needed to see them. I started thinking to myself that I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep getting attached to these kids and loving them with everything I have just to say bye later down the road and have my heart shattered again. I can’t do this. It hurts too much.
People had said, “It’s a part of the job.” I said, “Screw it.” This pain is unbearable. It’s not worth it. I can’t do it anymore.
She told me that I’m a piece of the puzzle for them and can’t be the whole picture. It was true. I wanted so badly to be their solution. To be the one who made everything all better. I wanted them to know that people would still love them even if they had a crazy past.
The Lord has shown me so much this summer by bringing the perfect group of kids through. He re-focused my heart on my love for them. They are the reason for what I do. They bring me happiness and joy. They make me smile.
He has shown me how to release control. To trust and believe that he loves these kids more than I do and He wants them to grow deep in love with Him more than I do. He wants the best for them more than I do. I will never know how their lives will turn out, but by praying for each of them I will put more trust in the Lord that He is taking care of them.
After my tear shed of the 21st century and finally bringing myself broken and raw before His throne, I was able to get the focus off MY pain and onto what God was teaching me. It wasn’t about me. It was about them.
He has blessed me with this amazing opportunity to love on kids that have had all forms of evil in the world inflicted on them. They each come through at different stages and with their own uniqueness and I get to love on them.
In the middle of all the pain and hurt from saying bye to those kids, I swore it wasn’t worth it. I tried to figure out ways to prevent this from happening again. How to not get so attached. But then I realized that I was missing the whole picture. Loving these kids with all I am to later experience excruciating pain is worth it because they need to feel loved. My job is to love on them for the temporary time they’re with me. If I can do that, everything else will be worth it.
I pray for those siblings everyday. I will never forget them. A part of me thinks that future good-bye’s won’t ever be as bad as that one because I just don’t see myself falling for a group of kiddo’s like I did with them. They were special. But I will continue to love each child that comes my way with all that I am and I will face the deep heart ache and pain that follows. It’s not about me. It’s about God using us to shower His love on the broken and hurting. I thank the Lord everyday for using them to teach me more of His will.
